So Far So Good

I can hardly believe it's been almost a month since my last blog entry. I see men around me starting to grow their mustaches for March and I realize time is pressing forward.

A few weeks ago life got considerably better. I'm now in a room that used to be a Col's single room. I share it with my most awesome previous roommate from the room I left, Amanda. For now we are 2 peas in a pod, but our 3rd roommate gets in soon. It's funny to hear myself say "Hey Manda... are you there?" when I get home. People ask me "So how is Amanda?" and now I'm like "Me, or Amanda?" My bed is set up as my cave, with Christmas lights inside. It's heavenly and I am much much happier in this space.

The other day I was coming back from the gym wearing shorts and I was carrying my magazine, a water bottle, my nano, and my ID carrier/"wallet". I was fumbling to wrap my earpiece chords around my nano to consolidate my stuff when an Army Col walked by me and I only saw his rank as he was about to pass me. It was too late to salute so I gave a big head bob and made eye contact to acknowledge him. He turns to me, stops walking and says "Excuse me but WHAT are you supposed to do??" I shifted my stuff to the left and I said, "Salute you sir" then I saluted the douche bag. I felt like saying "If I could f**king carry a bag on this base all my sh*t would have been in a bag and I would have easily saluted you." I think the officer Army rank needs to remain on the collar anyway - it's too hard to spot in their uniform pattern and it blends into the middle of the chest. That kinda crap always leaves me with a "f**k the military" attitude. I never want to be that guy. Do you know how many people don't salute me? It's because people walk everywhere and there are too many people walking by to pay attention to and I realize that. Plus this is a war zone - why are we saluting here anyway???

Work-wise things have picked up. Inpatient care is basically the same, but I've been seeing a few more individual appointments. I've also met the new Army RD here and we are putting our heads together for National Nutrition Month. Some of the FOBs have requested education so I'm setting that up and today I counseled some guys at COP Michegan on the Pakistani boarder in the Korengal valley. That is one of the most dangerous places in this war. There was a movie made about it that we watched in Nut Med a few weeks ago - Restrepo. http://documentaries.about.com/od/revie2/fr/Restrepo_movie_review.htm I wished them well and told them it was an honor to be of service to them. I update FB a ton so maybe none of this is news to my millions of readers. :)  I also was able to go to the Egyptian hospital to help teach their RN staff how to administer bolus tube feedings; there is a bit more to it but somehow it doesn't feel right to blog about the details. Pretty neat experience. The picture I posted online is of an Afghani girl who shook our hands as we walked into the hospital. She just never let go of mine and stood with me for about 10 minutes. When we left she found me outside and tugged at my arm and asked me for money quite forcefully. That left me with very mixed emotions as I left. That was definitely a pinch-myself kind of moment... like, am I really here right now? How did I end up here? Is this my life? Sometimes I can't believe this is my life.

I feel very grateful for my family and friends who have sent me care packages and cards... it means a lot to me. Vegan baked goods make me very happy!  I'm still keeping up my Veg DPG newsletter responsibilities and I'm trying to gather up AD vegans to write a little article about being deployed as a vegetarian. There are plenty of us here. I'll get that done eventually. There has been some talk of force-shaping for officers... I'm not worried about getting booted but it has led me to re-shift focus on school. So back I go to the goal of finishing my masters degree while here. I may have to hold off on my last class until I get home... we'll see how motivated I am. I've met some great people here and I'm having fun. There are days I want to run away, but in some ways, I can't believe how much I am enjoying myself. I have my core crew, and a standard lunch and dinner date that keeps me smiling. I'm very lucky to have built these relationships in Afghanistan. :)

BAF is like a box of chocolates…

Hi Ya’ll.

Thankfully, since my last entry my emotional health has stabilized. No more quivering lower lip in ICU rounds, and the site of an amputee does not immediately move me to tears.  I am still pissed off that these guys have lost their limbs, but I’m getting used to my new “normal”…which includes seeing things like that.

There is one “normal” life factor here that I just can’t accept. I’ve been here since 25 Dec, and I’m still in my “temporary” room. The bhut I had been promised, was given to someone else deemed more of a priority. :0( People who came after me, and all those who came with me, have their permanent space already.  I’m still in a crowded room where I’m the “extra” gal, not a great feeling.  A bonus irritation (above dealing with the lack of basic storage and space needs) is dealing with an “unfortunate” roommate at my feet. She believes it’s perfectly fine to Skype loudly at 0700 on my day off like she’s outside screaming to a friend down the street. She plays online in bed throughout the entire night with a bright bed lamp on. Unnecessary… hello, computers provide light! She even leaves the light on when she leaves the room, because she’s apparently more important than anyone else in the room sleeping.  I just keep repeating to myself she must be a social moron and instead of anger, I should feel pity. But… anger is more instinctual. :-)

This “unfortunate” irritant did give me the ‘oomph’ I needed to go straight to my new Squadron Commander with this issue. I’ve reached my all-time whiney high here in an effort to get 4-5 square feet of space to call my own… to unpack…and to have what everyone else already has! I dreamed of going off in a Squadron meeting that my only issue was that I want a f*&king room!! My commander was cool; she heard me out, and it looks like I’ll be set in a week or so. Even knowing a date helps.

The positive side of being in this space nearly a month is that I met another Amanda who understands things like unfortunate people, trolls, cat-fish, dogs, and micro-pigs. I’m hoping I can take her with me when I move. 

My Air Command and Staff College stuff came in the mail. It’s going to be harder than I had anticipated to focus on getting that sucker done. The ACSC intro book says it takes an estimated 10.5 months to finish it. In some ways I have more time here than at home, in others I don’t. I don’t have much mental focus power for stuff like that at the moment. 01 Feb is my “get it together” date I’ve made up in my head. So I hope to start by then. 

This week in ICU rounds Afghani physicians are rounding with our multidisciplinary team. It was interesting to see them watch us. The patients we rounded on with them were local nationals; they were only allowed to see one American. The Chief Internist showed them our most recent amputee, a Marine, who lost one leg. He described the patient, and then pointed out that this type of injury is the consequence of more American troops on the ground with the IEDs. He mentioned that this Marine was actually lucky because he had one leg left, because often they are both gone. As I stood there I thought, “This is a surreal moment, and I’m glad I’m here.” This war has long lasting consequences for countless individuals. :0/

As a side comment…overall, the Afghans are short and small! Many of the men are shorter than me. I don’t know what I was expecting. The Cordova cleaning staff (think J&J at David Grant Medical Center) are local nationals. They are fun… they try to teach me Dari each day. I try to learn… I have a cheat sheet posted in my office. I say “salaam” every morning. I’m sure they think I’m a big dork. :0) They would be correct.

Maybe it’s too early, but I’ve already picked out my coming home theme song! It’s by Puffy Combs, P Diddy, Puff Daddy…whatever. I’m not 100% on the name but the chorus includes the line “I’m coming home.”  It’s not about returning home literally; it’s about returning to the mother of his kids and starting a home life. But music is more than words; I like the overall feeling the song gives me. “I’m coming home, I’m coming home, tell the world that I’m coming home, let the rain, wash away, all the pain, of yesterday, and my kingdom awaits, dah dah dah something… I’m coming home, I’m coming home… tell the world that I’m coming… home.”

:o)

A Challenging 24 Hours

Last night we had the third IDF attack since I've been here. This is the first one I really was nervous about because it was so close to the dorms. I came "home" from work at 9pm and I managed to miss the BOOM because I headed into my room, changed and b-lined to the bathroom to brush my teeth, etc. Then the girls coming into the bathroom said, "Did you hear that!!??". I hadn't. Then bang, bang, bang, down all the hallway doors. Everyone needed to get into their flak vests and helmets (IBA/Individual Body Armor). Do I have my dog tags on or my IBA available??? NOOOOOOOO. Bad Sagey!! So, because some of the girls in my room work nights, I borrowed someone else's IBA who was at work. I felt guilty, but what's a girl under mortar attack to do? Once things calmed down and we reported to the hospital for accountability I brought the IBA to the ICU to give back to the girl and wore my IBA home. I had left my IBA at work because I needed it for a brief earlier this week, and, there is no room for me in my room. :0/ Next week I move into a bhut and can finally get settled! Although after last night I'm more nervous about going into one. But I figure, what will be will be, it's out of my hands.

Today was going to be my "rest" day but it still ended up being a 12 hr day. I did break away to work out during the day, which was great. I felt all empowered as I ran on the treadmill listening to my Nicki Minaj and Beyonce :)  However...when I came home to shower, I remembered why the dorms can suck. The room I'm in is dark 24/7 because of the mix of day and night time sleepers.To get ready to shower I turned on a bed-clamp light by the door (where all my stuff is, and by the way this is the light I was asked to use by one of my roommates). This irritated one of my roomies....she's nice, but I irritated her I guess.  She told me to not use that light because I was interrupting her sleep. Well well!!  I usually use a flashlight, but guess what, I can't see well with it and have to hold it in my mouth to see all I need to see. I'm still living out of suitcases in the corner by the door. Cut me some slack!!!  There is a girl on days in my room who wakes up and goes online during the night and turns on a light but I don't say anything b/c WTF, it's not worth it. So this moment of being told to not turn on a light so I can do necessary things like shower, got way under my skin. You know that when there is anger though, under that is usually some sadness. It was a major FML moment for me today.

That set me up for the next emotional trigger... another ICU consultation. I did not anticipate being so emotionally impacted by what I see here. I thought I'd be better at compartmentalizing it. Today several more Marines came in injured. One of them lost one leg, most of another, and part of his right arm. I went in to measure his "height" so I can give a tube feeding recommendation and I felt the tears coming. I really really really really really really really tried to not cry. I went back to the office to meet with the techs for a meeting and they saw it on my face. I got a hug, and permission to go in their office and cry. So I did.

Today was our first full "C3" band day. All of C3 is here, and the last C2'er left. We said goodbye to her today and wish her well!

I think I may have shared too much, but I guess that's the point.

I am officially here. Let the good times roll!

My Christmas present this year was arriving at Bagram Air Base. The air crew who flew us in had Christmas lights hung up in the C17, we sang Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and got to go up into the cock pit as we flew into Afghanistan. After we finally landed, took care of our gear, and got to the hospital, I felt exhausted, disorientated and a bit shell-shocked. Everyone greeted me with a "Merry Christmas! Welcome to Bagram!" :-/ People are friendly overall here, so that helped on that day especially.

I've been here 5 days and it feels like a month! My initial impression was "damn...there are people everywhere!" There are 500 staff at the hospital when it usually has ~350. Many people in the previous rotation aren't able to get home because of bad weather in Europe and on the East Coast. The base in general is also overcrowded... it's like a dirty and overpopulated construction site. It was intended to hold 3K and it's got 350-400K. I learned that 11% of Afghanistan is covered in land mines. Imagine living in a country where it's not safe to walk around?? At in-processesing we were told that the mission here is 2/3'ds higher than it was in 2006, and we are down housing space. Dorms used to hold 4 per room and now it's 6-7. I appreciated that the hospital commander said "while here there are going to be days when you just think, 'man this place just sucks' ... and it does". I've already said that. :)  Each day it gets better though and I'm focused on staying positive.

As a Registered Dietitian, my role is a little different than I'm used to but I like it. I round with the doctors each AM and write orders for nutrition support - TPN and tube feeds. I measure height of injured individuals with a measuring tape and estimate their weight so I can do my fancy smancy nutrition calculations and determine a feeding plan. I've been up close and personal measuring some disturbingly injured men already. I measured an Enemy of Peace with guards next to the bed knowing he likely injured Americans or attempted to. I measured the "height" of an American man who lost both legs and had an open gut. I really take in the injuries as I round with the docs because it's not just in-and-out, it's stand there and listen, and try to be a valuable team member. I do get distracted though...and I find myself looking at the patients. I can't stand to see the burned kiddos. After seeing one of the inpatients, this adorable boy, burned on his face and body... making massive eye contact with us everytime we round... and after measuring the amputee, I had to go into the bathroom to release a few tears to get myself together. Had to let it out. It's getting easier. I'm certainly not the first person to have to deal with these emotions. It just seems like such a shame.

So...what am I grateful for?? Our delivery/bread truck has a radio station on it that plays hip hop :0), all my boxes from home came (and boxes from friends/family), I get a bhut soon so I'm not sleeping in a shatty top bunk in a crowded room w/ no space for me much longer, I figured out how to call home, I've been working out hard, and I have a great crew. I can't wait for our last diet tech to arrive.

I'll keep entries coming.... if anyone out there is even reading this. :)  Remember, this is not top notch writing... just top-of-my brain/mostly unedited stuff. Enjoy. Happy New Year!!!

"You have a quiet and unobtrusive nature"...

...Well, that's what my fortune cookie says anyway.  I just consumed the first hot food in my day - some steamed vegetables and rice from a Chinese restaurant that delivers to my Navy hotel.

Today I was thinking that a blog is a little self absorbed, isn't it? Like, who is out there waiting with baited breath to read what I have to say?? Anyway... expect typo's and perhaps some sentences that don't make sense... but I plan to keep this up.

The last 2 weeks or so have to be up there with the most stressful in my life. Make that the last month or so. CBRNE, PT test, online trainings up the ying yang, ensuring my work responsibilities are passed along without too many hick ups, saying goodbyes, moving out of my home, living in a hotel, saying goodbye to Bella! My puppy!! Ok enough whining....

This trip is finally on the road.  Soon the "adventure" will truly start to progress and get interesting.

Today I'm grateful for... internet, cell phones, friends, family, and nice co-deployers. Not necessarily in that order. :)

Can't Sleep Without a Dog on My Pillow

I'm literally referring to Bella... get your head out of the gutter, dear readers! :)
But seriously, not having a home (apt)... or my dog... sucks.

What am I grateful for? Getting taken out tonight to get my mind off the outrageous week I just had. Night world.

Goodbye Bed, Goodbye Apartment :(

This deployment is at the head of other changes coming for me.  Last night was my last night in my bed, and in this apartment I've been in for more than two years. Talk about closing a chapter on some memories! I have 5 days left with my chihuahua Bella, 15 days left in country, and a few days in between spent with my Mom and at work. You could say my head is spinning a little! Packing for now, for after, for over there, and for storage... phew! I'm sure I'll forget to do something...which I guess is what it is. :) 

As I go along I want to remember what I am grateful for and include this as a part of my posts. Cheesy? A little. But 100% Amanda.

Today I'm grateful for the sun shining outside my window and how cute Bella looks in the sweater Mom knit for her. :)